Curb Walking and Hitler

So we have this baby due in 8 days.  8 days doesn’t seem like much, but nonetheless we’re both getting pretty impatient, especially since as of 6 days ago, the doctor told us it could happen at any moment.  Which we took to mean it would happen right away, leading us to plan on having a baby this past weekend.  Which didn’t happen.  Leading to some interesting reactions.  Such as Liz deciding, rather adamantly, on Sunday morning that she wanted to punch something.  Or someone.  It started with wanting to punch the lady on the local news.  It ended with me hiding the cat in a closet.

For the first time ever, we washed every glass and dish and bowl and pot or pan in the house (so that when we came back from the hospital everything would be easy and nice).  We cleaned every surface and washed every article of clothing .  Then we’d sit and wait.  And wait.  And eat something.  Or wear something.  Then wash.  Then wait.

Liz got her toenails done.  She’s been shaving her legs twice a day.

Liz has also taken to curb walking, which a friend recommended and which I thought the friend had made up to mess with her, but I googled it and here’s a person from the internet doing it elegantly:

It’s supposed to induce labor.  It looks kind of silly, to be honest.

Sunday we decided that we were changing Thomas(the baby)’s name to Donald as a penalty for taking too long.  Donald Englebert.  The next day: Englebert Gaylord.  Then Gaylord Cuthbert.  At the end of the week, his name will be Hitler.  Hitler Judas.

Avoiding Grading

Here’s a list of things I did, over this three-day weekend, to avoid grading 50-plus summer reading papers:


  1. 4 loads of dishes
  2. 7 hours of The West Wing
  3. Swept kitchen
  4. Mopped kitchen
  5. Assembled bassinette
  6. Assembled multi-featured electronic mobile that hangs over bassinette
  7. Studied how to turn off replay of Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star in attempt to retain sanity while assembling multi-featured electronic mobile—eventually just removing batteries in frantic fashion
  8. Naps
  9. 7-9 hours attempting to put video on website
  10. Downloaded DVD Shrink 3.2
  11. Watched YouTube video some kid made on how to use DVD Shrink 3.2
  12. Created YouTube channel
  13. Vacuumed
  14. More naps (including dreams in which employed in West Wing)
  15. Installed baby car seat
  16. Visited nursing home (grandfather)
  17. Walked around block
  18. Downloaded Adobe Flash update in hopes of being again able to watch Daily Show online
  19. Read 6 articles on novel publicity, all of which I’d read before
  20. Read 20 pages of Tender is the Night
  21. True Romance (the movie) on Amazon
  22. Googled name of every new hire on Creative Writing Wiki (mostly in search of their age)
  23. Helped sister-in-law move furniture
  24. Chicken pot pie at Marie Callendar’s
  25. Brainstormed how cats could be used to create book trailer
  26. Watched other people’s book trailers
  27. Watched other people’s Kickstarter videos
  28. Scrubbed toilet
  29. Scrubbed tub
  30. Swept bathroom
  31. Mopped bathroom
  32. Food-4-Less
  33. Wine coolers
  34. One dozen donuts
  35. Traded pregnant English teacher wife numbers 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 13, 15, 28, 29, 30, 31, and 34 for her grading of 50-plus summer reading papers